While most people can walk around with daily worries, or feeling mundane about the dreariness of life and let it get them down, I find that I take the same emotions and do the exact opposite.
(This post is about to get real / #realtalk)
When I was younger and would get into pissy moods, my mom always made me go in the bathroom and look at the face I was making in the mirror. It would make me laugh so hard that I would make an instant one-eighty. This might have taught me to rely on being upset, stressed or down on myself in order to appreciate the feeling of being happy. I remember wanting toys in stores and being so indecisive that my dad would literally have to carry me out, empty-handed. As much as it upset me, I learned that if I made a decision I would've been happier. Of course, I'll be using these tricks with my kids, I'd like to think that they paid off pretty well.
Let's get to the point: I love things that are sad. Sad songs, sad movies, sad plots on sitcoms. I love it all. Get me a spoon because I'm about to eat all that shit up. Honestly, there's nothing I like more than watching a sad movie or hearing a sad song. In a way, it makes me feel sad, but also appreciate the emotion itself. Coming from a psych background, I really do think that it's rooted to being an only child. No but really, think about it. I spent so much time as a child on my own with my imagination, entertaining myself that I was forced to learn how to cope with so many emotions and calm myself down on my own. If I was upset about something, I sat in my room and just let it stew into a pissy mood. Eventually, I would learn how to convert that energy into a positive mood so I could move on and spend more time with my imaginary pet elephant. ( I shit you not, I did have one. Ask anyone. . . even the elephant ). My point is, that the absence of happiness eventually taught me to appreciate its presence.
After all, darkness is merely the absence of light; evil the absence of good. So is sadness the absence of happiness? I believe that can be one answer. If someone tells you something sad, it is true that they are adding an element of sadness to your life at that moment but emotionally speaking, the state of being sad is one in which the neurotoxins that make you happy (serotonin and norepinephrine) aren't being produced as fast as usual. Therefore, your body literally has an absence of happiness during that time. Am I right? (As usual, I think I am. But whatever.)
My point is, I walk around now as a twenty-two year old college graduate with the mentality that if I'm sad, I'm also happy. It's very confusing. Inside, I love the idea of a constant struggle between sadness and happiness; having to win the daily battle to be happy. In mass last week, the priest celebrating the mass said something during his homily that hit pretty close to home. He said, "when you wake up in the morning, you make a conscious choice to be happy that day. And that's one battle won." I think this is why I feel so at-home in areas like customer service and various leadership roles; you can't let customers or fellow teammates/members see you struggling with the personal hardships in your life, so you push through and find something that motivates you into doing your best, all the while donning this tough, thriving cut-throat persona that helps you get the job done.
This makes me think of one of my recent favorite movies, "Black Swan." In the movie, Nina is struggling so hard with her role that it literally consumes her. Throughout the movie she puts on her tough-bitch face, deals with her demons and eventually blows the audience away. It's the build up to the climax of the movie that I love, and really speaks to me. Throughout the plot, Nina really lets her role get to her. She breaks down, gives into peer pressure, lashes out -- the usual signs of someone being under severe stress/pressure (minus the delusional thoughts that you're growing feathers from your shoulder blades, nix that part) However, there are several scenes where the mere intensity of what she has to put herself through make her turn her personal hell into, what some might say, ecstasy. She reaches such a high pinnacle during her performance, that she lets it overcome her, turning her into this dark, twisted performer who loves every bit of the cut-throat world that she is a part of. That, is what I like to use to describe myself: someone who takes all of the stresses of every day life, sticks it out and in the end, is a bad ass MOFO. But I'd like to... y'know... not turn into a freaking bird.
BTW, I was the Black Swan for Halloween last year. Not kidding.
So I hope this is shed some light on several things, one: my strange obsession with depression (sounds poetic, eh?) and two: that my degree in Psych really has paid off. Booyah.
